Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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