Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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