So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Actions speak louder than pants.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
