Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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