Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
