he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
