The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
