we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just had sex on a roof
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
