Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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