It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
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