fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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