Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
