It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
