dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize