I'll bet she douches with gravy.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
