I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
