I got chris browned last night
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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