I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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