Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
