I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
