bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I need moral support for this bender
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
