i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize