i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
