I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
