Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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