I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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