Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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