You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
