On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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