saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize