My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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