Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize