Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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