it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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