On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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