I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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