Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
