Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
