Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
