I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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