I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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