I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
