im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
And then he peed in my hair
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