dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
