no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
