Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
