I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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