I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize