I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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