Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
