Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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