i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
