i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if only i could text you this smell
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
