my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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