I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
