i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
