The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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