If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
