im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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