Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
