Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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