Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
