I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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