How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Randomize
