forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
