She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
