I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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