Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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