My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
